I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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