does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My life is pants optional.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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