You made me cry and you don't even care
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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