Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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