I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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