we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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