I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
