making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
