I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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