It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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