He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
