if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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