i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
