so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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