Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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