I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
