Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
