I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
