So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
