Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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