I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize