I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
