I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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