i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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