This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
