not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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