I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
