he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize