shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
