i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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