You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
