why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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