Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
