Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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