I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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