This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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