She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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