you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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