The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize