So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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