Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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