Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
