So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
