So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
