he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
