Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
