there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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