Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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