HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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