So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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