Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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