Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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