I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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