So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
