You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
