we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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